Overheard At Starbucks I sit at Starbucks (usually one in Studio City), eavesdrop on your conversations, and post them here. Don't worry, my victims stay anonymous.

BOOK DEAL OFFERS AND HATE MAIL:
tess dot lynch at gmail dot com.

Dude [perched on a chair, wearing chains]: Guzzle it, Sarah, we gotta fly.

Sarah: It’s freaking hot.

Dude: I know it is, baby. Guzzle it.

Crazy (?) Man: ‘Scuze me lady, what do you think of the weather.

Woman: [silence]

Crazy (?) Man: The weather. Do you like it. This weather. How do you like it. Do you like it? Do you like this weather??

Woman: No, thank you.

Crazy (?) Man: I ASKED IF YOU LIKED THE WEATHER, YOU BITCH.

Woman: (shakes her head)

Table-mate of Woman: She doesn’t speak English.

Crazy (?) Man: Oh. Well, okay, what do you think of this weather?

Girl #1: I could never be bigger than the guy.

Girl #2: Yeah, you like big fat guys.

Girl #1: I don’t want to, you know, I could like, I could crush him!

Token Guy Friend (who is heavy): Yeah, and you want to be protected?

Girl #1: Yeah, exactly, I want this big giant bear.

Girl #2: Kate, that’s retarded. You’re so small. I think you have a warped view!

Token Guy Friend: No, no, I’ve heard this from a lot of girls.

Girl #2: That they like to date fat guys?

Girl #1: Not fat! Not fat! Just big! Not squishy!

Token Guy Friend: I’m going to go get a refill on this. [back into Starbucks he goes]

Girl #1: Oh no, now he thinks I mean him. And he thinks you mean he’s fat.

Girl #2: Oh my god, oh my god, oh no. He’s really sensitive about that! He was on Atkins!

Girl #1: When he comes back say something about that fat guy you dated, the one who was living in Northridge.

Girl #2: Oh yeah, that’s true. Brian. He was kind of fat.

Girl #1: I’m just like, what’s up with her eyebrows? Take care of that.

Girl #2: That’s the thing. I didn’t get it at first, but she works them.

Girl #1: She ignores them. They’re crawling around on her forehead, at this point, all the hairs.

Girl #2: I asked Brian and he said his friends thought she was hot.

Girl #1: That sounds like code for Brian thinks she’s hot.

Girl #2: I know, except my point is: I know Brian hates crazy eyebrows.

Girl #1: How?

Girl #2: He lets me know when mine are all out-of-line.

Girl #1: Like in a mean way?

Girl #2: No, nice, like you would do.

Girl #1: Aww, I love him! I love him!

Young Woman [to her companion]: What do you talk about, dolls? Do you sit around and talk about dolls?

Companion: Yeah, she’ll talk about them.

Young Woman: What, with bear voices, or what?

Companion: About them, I said about them, it’s not a puppet show.

Man [on his hands-free phone]: The important thing to keep in mind — you know, when you deal with people, people like him — is if it’s too simple, it just goes whoosh, it gets classified with the information that’s not useful, it’s not relevant, everybody’s thinking “What am I looking for? What’s happening here?” Suspicious. What I’m saying is. Relax.

Girl #1 [approaching a table of two other girls]: Hey, I’m sorry, could I bum one of those? [points to pack of cigarettes on the table]

Girl #2: Oh, sorry, I only have like 2?

Girl #3: She just gave like three to that guy, so… [gestures vaguely at a crazy man who is pacing and mumbling on the corner, sucking on a cigarette]

Girl #2: So yeah, sorry, you know how it is when like, I don’t want to have to go buy another pack?

Girl #1: That’s okay, I had to ask, I just quit…but…so. I just thought.

Girl #2: Well you didn’t quit if you’re trying to have one of mine, you know? So, I’m actually doing you a favor. Sorry!

Girl #3: Sorry!

Girl #1: Oh, yeah, sorry. That’s okay. Sorry.

Man: Are you waiting for the bathroom?

Me: Yeah.

Man: Really. How long have you been waiting?

Me: Not too long?

Man: About how long?

Me: Maybe three or four minutes?

Man: That’s certainly long enough for them to finish, don’t you think?

Me: Do you want me to knock?

Man: No, I’ll talk to them about it when they come out.

Man [on his cell phone]: No no no. Yeah yeah yeah. These are contract players. I told you no scale from the beginning. Yeah, these are names. That’s what I told you. No no no no. Whoa whoa. You know what, though? I’m out. I’m at a Starbucks. I’ll call you in ten minutes. I’ll call you in five.

Man [to his companion]: I used to live in Santa Barbara. Everybody got really old, though.